Stop Trying To Be a “Good Mom" + 5 Other Goals for Motherhood.
Hey there hun! One of the reasons that I started this blog was to share some of the many revelations that I have had since starting this motherhood journey 2 years ago. And one that I feel hit me like a ton of bricks this week is that being a “good mom” is overrated. I mean it in the most healthy and Christ-led way possible. So many of moms struggle with mental turmoil asking themselves this age-old question: “Am I a good mom?” And do you know why they struggle?
Because the word “good” isn’t real anymore.
I could imagine that if you asked 3 different moms if they are “good moms”, they will all judge themselves based on different criteria for what that means. People have the best intentions when they tell you that you are a good mom but I have 5 more goals for motherhood that you should set when going on this journey.
Are you ready? Let’s get into it.
Be a Patient Mom
When I think on the expectations that God sets for us in the bible, he is very specific about how he describes what he wants us to be. And one of these is patient. Instead of focusing on if you are a good mom, think of how you can be a more patient mom. Sometimes when we parent and engage with our children, we act from places of frustration or fear and this can cause us to be short (and sometimes even mean) to our children.
Think back on the last few interactions you have had with your children. Ask yourself these questions:Could have been more patient and intentional with your words?
Could you have taken some time to be more regulated before speaking with them?
Are your expectations realistic for them?
Is the feeling you expressed them valid and was your response one that you would like to see give to you?
One of the most beautiful things and also the most overwhelming things about motherhood is that we are teaching our children about emotional intelligence. If we do not show them the skill of patience and emotional regulation, it is unfair to expect it from them.
Be a Faith-Filled Mom
Another goal for motherhood is to focus on being a mother of faith. Our children are constantly watching us and looking to us during times of joy and also during times of adversity. When we focus on being mothers filled with faith, we are inevitably training our children on how to live lives lead by Christ. In full transparency, before writing this section, I went through an emotional rollercoaster about things in my life that I wish were different. Of course, what I chose to do is to ponder on thoughts that are out of my control and almost let them consume me. Instead, I reached out to my supports, referenced the word of God, and got back on track on the vision I feel that God has for my family.
If you are a stay at home mom, you know the struggles of living this “traditional” lifestyle and possibly living on one income. Whether it is the struggle of wishing that you had what others had, wishing you had the financial freedom that others do, or simply wishing you had more than just enough to make ends meet, it can be emotionally taxing living a life that is based on values that don’t align with the world we live in. During this time, instead of focusing on being a good mom, mirror to your children the importance of having a Christian community and a strong relationship with God.
Some questions to ask yourself instead of am I a good mom:
Do I lead a life that would show my children that I have faith in God?
Do my children see me send time alone with God?
During hard times, do I teach my children how to seek God and build relationship with Him?
Do my children know who God is and how important it is to have Him in their lives?
From here, you will be able to have actionable goals to be more of a faith-filled mom who mirrors a life led by Christ.
Be an Organized Mom
Now, this one goes against every part of my naturally occurring self. I am a person who can go along even when I am flying by the seat of my pants. Unfortunately, though it helped me complete college and get a master’s degree while working two jobs, it’s all the reason why I struggled SO MUCH after becoming a stay at home mom. (I have a blog post about this experience and how to become more organized if you click here.) Once I started to focus on how I could create better systems in my home so that I could essentially run my home on “autopilot” if I wanted, it made the motherhood experience so much better. Again, our children are watching us to show them how to be productive and healthy adults. Instead of asking yourself “am I a good mom”, ask yourself these questions:
Do I have systems in my home that are conducive to my family set-up (including extracurricular activities and family values)?
Do my children know how to be organized?
Have my children seen me a good steward of the life that I live (financially, physically, and spiritually)?
Do I feel that I am playing an active role in the way my house is ran?
Be an Adventurous Mom
Adventurous is defined as “willing to take risks or to try out new methods, ideas, or experiences.” Now, here me when I say that I am not telling you to jump off a cliff or spend all of your money buying lottery tickets. But, as mothers, we have to show our children the beauty of dreaming and vision. Life will continually try to tell them that they have to fit inside of a small box and that they are only meant to be consumers instead of producers. Be a mother who shows your children how to “break the mold” and try things they have never done. Instead of just making your kids join that team that they don’t want or encouraging them to give that speech in class, be the mother who steps out of her comfort zone and tell your kids about how difficult that was for you. Let them know the importance of stepping out there and doing hard things. Instead of asking yourself “am I a good mom”, ask yourself these questions:
When is the last time that my children saw me take risks or try something different (even if it’s just a really hard recipe)?
Do I live a life that shows that I have faith and I am not afraid to fail?
Am I willing to talk to my kids about how to overcome feelings of fear?
Teaching your kids to be adventurous will not only encourage them to reach for the stars but also help them create strong cognitive skills that can help decrease their chances for depression and anxiety.
Be a Healed Mom
When I started mapping out this article, I couldn’t come up with a number 5 but after a few minutes I decided to let this week show me what it should be. After a week filled with processing (and a little crying) it came to me: be a healed mom. Now, this is one that you may never “arrive” at. It is a constant journey of healing and self-discovery that we are tasked with as mothers. I think, however, that this a beautiful goal to aspire to. What do I mean exactly? Be a mother that does not parent her children based on her personal traumas and fears. One of the women in my life shared with me a quote her mother always told her: “Don’t change the person that your children are meant to be”. I took that as don’t let your fears, anxiety, and personal demons change or alter their vision, goals, or personality. Let your children live a life viewed in prosperity, vision, and the fruits of the spirit.
A great, and simple, example of this is with one of my twin boys. He was behind developmentally with his walking for sometime after his brother started walking. For so long, I wanted him to walk and, though he eventually did, I still found myself trying to compensate for this delay that he had presented with. Soon after, my husband and I started to see that he was starting to question himself when trying new physical activities. That was all based on me constantly coming to his rescue and jumping into alarm anytime that I saw that he could possibly stumble. Now that we have started to let him do those things and not interject at all (even though my reflexes try to stop me), he has been getting more confident! Instead of asking yourself “am I a good mom?”, ask yourself:
Am I mothering from a place of love instead of fear?
Am I the mother my children need or the mother I needed?
Do I give my children the freedom to make mistakes and build confidence in their skills?
Am I educating my children daily on how to be more independent?
I want to encourage you mama to stop trying to be a good mom. The world will constantly be trying to show you where uyou lack so that they can sell you ways to be a better mom. Focus on being a mom that is patient, faith-filled, organized, brave, and healed.
I know you can do it! Thank you for taking the time with me.
Feel free to comment down below one thing you can do this week to improve in a category listed above.